When did your leadership journey begin?
Mine actually began by being led, not by leading – and at the time, I had no idea it was happening.
I was 17 and leadership was the last thing on my mind. I had just graduated from high school and landed a job at a bagel shop downtown while I was figuring out the next chapter of my life. It was a part-time, minimum-wage job that came with a 25-minute commute. At first glance, nothing special and certainly nothing worth mentioning to kick off a leadership book.
But, despite how ordinary it seemed, it has had a more profound leadership impact on me than any other job I've had since.
That might seem like a bold statement considering some of the well-respected and high-profile leaders I've had the opportunity to work with. But because it was the first time I experienced leadership that felt different – that felt personal – the bagel shop stands out above the rest.
And it all came down to Ben, the guy who ran the place.
Ben wasn't charismatic. If you met him at a party, you'd probably never guess he held a leadership position. Even so, he was one of the greatest leaders I've ever had. We all felt how much he cared about our little team of teenagers and 20-somethings. He created an environment of belonging, collaboration, trust, and psychological safety – and yes, I'm saying it in a business book – love. When we hear or read that word, our mind tends to gravitate to romantic love, and of course, that's not what I mean. I'm talking about something more akin to the Greek agape – the kind of love that puts others first, prioritizes their best interest, and endures even when it's hard. And with Ben, the coolest part was that it went both ways.
It's not that he tried to be best friends with us. He held us to high standards. He was very direct when he saw something that needed to change. I remember him holding us accountable to his clear expectations of hand washing. We had to wash our hands every time we left the counter and came back, even if we were just going to the walk-in fridge for more cream cheese. Even though he ran a tight ship, he had a rare ability to make us feel like he genuinely wanted the best for us. He spent a lot of time in his office upstairs, but when the downtown lunch rush hit – with lines out the door and up the sidewalk – he never hesitated to throw on an apron and make sandwiches with us.
At the time, I just knew I loved working there. I had no idea that one day I would stand on stages around the world, teaching the very same traits that made Ben such an incredible leader. I also had no idea that what I experienced in that bagel shop – and later for four more years as I worked for Ben when he started his own restaurant – wasn't normal.
I had been spoiled.
As I moved into other jobs and experienced more typical leadership, reality hit me like a sock full of marbles. In most of the jobs that followed, although I felt some sense of "team", I was just another employee. There was very little connection, and I didn't feel like my work mattered beyond getting a paycheck. Leaders might have talked about collaboration and culture, but their focus was often on themselves, their reputation, or their next promotion, rather than on their teams.
Decisions were made with efficiency, not people, in mind. Processes mattered more than relationships, and following the system was more important than whether the system actually worked for the people it was designed to serve. The difference between Ben and those leaders couldn't have been more obvious.
Look, I know there's no shortage of leadership advice out there. Heck, I've been peddling it myself since 2009! Thousands of books, courses, and webinars promise to unlock the secrets of influence, strategy, and performance. But for all the frameworks and methodologies, I've noticed one major problem: most leadership models focus on what leaders do – not who they are.
And that's exactly why so many leaders struggle or fail.
You've probably seen it firsthand: a leader who is brilliant but impossible to trust. One who is driven but so self-focused that no one wants to follow them. One who knows all the right strategies but lacks the basic human skills to connect with their team.
Leadership, at its core, is about way more than tactics. It's about character. As a friend of mine likes to say, "The most well-developed leaders are well-developed humans." Turning the focus inward and learning to lead yourself enables you to lead and influence others more powerfully.
Although I look at Bagel Shop Ben as the genesis of my leadership journey, the work I do today isn't actually inspired by his outstanding leadership – it was born from seeing and experiencing ineffective leadership.
I've worked in environments where leadership was all about power, control, and ego – where people mattered until the numbers didn't make sense. And while some of the organizations I worked for had all the right language about leadership, the reality didn't match up.
And it's not just my own experience. As I've interacted with organizations around the planet, I've seen countless examples of leaders preaching integrity while making decisions that compromised it. I've seen leaders who were brilliant on stage but dismissive in private. I've seen leaders who were obsessed with results but blind to the human cost of achieving them.
In each case, their people saw through the façade.
The teams under these leaders weren't engaged or loyal. They followed the rules, but not the person. They were compliant, not committed. They did their jobs, but only the bare minimum. And when an opportunity came to leave, they took it – if they weren't already looking for one. People don't follow titles, degrees, or experience. They follow humans they trust. They follow leaders that are Honest, Humble, and Human – qualities that seem like common sense in theory, yet are incredibly rare in practice.